Choosing to start therapy is a lot like deciding you want to start dating: emotionally vulnerable, oftentimes overwhelming, and filled with the undeniable hope that it might be life-altering in the very best way. And like dating, at its most basic level, finding the right therapist is about finding a human connection that both is – and feels – safe.
But unlike dating, therapy is designed to be wholly and completely about you. The relationship you build with your therapist is unlike any other relationship you’ll ever have: it’s intentionally not reciprocal. Therapy is a space where you get to come and bring all of yourself – the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the questioning, the assured, the scared, the hopeful – and know that you’re safe to lay it all out in the presence of an empathetic witness.
Here you don’t have to worry about anything other than your own personhood and wellbeing. It’s your space to pause, reflect, challenge, grieve, hope, process, and brainstorm. At its best, therapy feels like the emotional equivalent of a deep, deep sigh of relief.
If you found your way here, you’re likely already well on your way in your search for a therapist. Wherever you are in that process, here are five things to consider:
1. Think ahead about what matters to you most in a therapist
Do you have preferences when it comes to age, gender, race, specialties, or virtual vs. in-person sessions? When you imagine yourself sharing openly and vulnerably with someone, does any particular type of person come to mind? If so, look for a therapist who matches that. Your preferences really matter because your comfort really matters.
You might have specific preferences or you may feel very flexible – either is okay. Just listen to your gut.
Pro tip: If being in person is important to you, make sure you’re looking for therapists within a reasonable driving distance from wherever you’d be coming from. The best therapist in the world won’t help much if you can’t get to them in rush hour traffic on any given Tuesday.
2. Start by asking within your network for referrals
If you feel comfortable, start by asking people you trust if they have any recommendations. Like most things in life, word-of-mouth is usually the best way to find quality therapists!
But an important thing to keep in mind is that a therapist who is an excellent fit for one person might just be an okay fit for another. This process is about finding someone who is the right fit for you.
3. Search Psychology Today
If you aren’t getting any word-of-mouth referrals, Psychology Today is a great directory you can use. You can use all sorts of filters to help narrow down your search.
4. Whenever possible, connect with prospective therapist(s) ahead of scheduling a session
You might be surprised by how quickly you can get a sense for whether someone is a good fit or not with just a 15-minute phone call. Come prepared with any questions you might have.
5. Once you choose a therapist, commit 2-3 consecutive weekly sessions
Momentum is a huge component at the beginning of therapy. Meeting weekly at the very beginning helps build rapport, establish direction, and gives you a clearer and quicker sense of whether this is the right fit for you before you shift to whatever cadence feels most sustainable for you.
Therapy is an investment in every way: emotionally, financially, logistically, and energetically. It’s also a risk. There’s no guarantee the first therapist you connect with will be the right one. And like in dating, someone can be a lovely, wonderful person and still not be the right person for you.
If after two or three sessions, you’re not feeling a connection with your therapist or something feels off – no matter what that something is – it may be time for a shift. If you feel safe enough to talk about it with your therapist, that can be incredibly valuable. And if not, it’s okay to move on (thank you, sunk cost fallacy). As frustrating as it can be to start the search again, it’s worth it. Because when you find the right fit, therapy really can be life-altering.
Check out part two of this post for 8 signs your therapist is the right fit for you!